Things Everyone Else Can Do To Make My Life Easier

I kind of resent this thing about internet and social media culture where people talk about what needs to change and what everyone else needs to do and I was real mad about it then I decided that I should really get in on this since there is a lot of stuff that I want people to stop doing partly because I'm principled and partly because it would just make my life easier.

Stop Doing Drugs and Drinking

I don't know many people with substance abuse issues, but the few I know who experiment are really unhappy and super annoying to be around because they are so unhappy and want to argue about legalizing weed all the time. This issue also affects my job. I work in medical records. If a facility needs records that might contain records of treatment for substance abuse the patient has to sign a release that explicitly states it's okay to release that info. I have to deny tons of requests because a provider didn't get that signature or the release doesn't state the drug stuff. It's a huge pain in the butt.

Stop Looking at Porn

If it weren't for porn everyone's relationships would be way better. I'd say 90% of the women I know have had intimate relationships that were impacted by the use of porn. It's always a negative impact because real sex will never be as good as a porn fantasy. It also turns into one of the most addictive addictions there is and it's nigh impossible to detox from completely. Also it makes dating an awful mine field, I sit there trying to guage your suitors' involvement in the sex trade and to what extent it will lead them to abuse or ignore me. Also it leads to other weird behaviors that I then read about in records while trying to make sure there is no mention of drugs. So everyone stop it.

Stop Trying to Spell My Name

"Is that D-O-R-I?" Are the words I've hated hearing since I was old enough to spell my name, which I did often because I couldn't say my "R"s. I don't know why it is so hard for people to guess that my name is spelled with a "y" when Cory is often spelled the same way but with a "c." Worse than people misspelling my name is people asking me how to spell it when it clearly doesn't matter. On the phone with strangers I hear, "did you say Rory? Oh Dory, how do you spell that?" If you are calling me for work reasons I don't give a crap how you spell my name as long as you just tell me what you bloody well want so I can get on with my business. Oh and PS; just because it's a weird name doesn't mean it's spelled with as many superfluous letters as possible.

Make Shirts That Are Shirts!

I am so sick of the see-through fad!!!! Why should I pay the full price of a shirt for something that is either see-through, sleeveless, midriff-length, or in some other way not a full shirt? Not only is it a huge fanny ache to spend the same amount of money on less fabric and labor, I then have to spend more money on other shirts to make the original wearable. While I'm on this rant why did we stop selling shorts long enough to cover butt-cheeks and one-piece swim suits? I don't want to walk around with my pasty skin exposed all the time, and I don't want to have to pay $100 to cover myself with something that doesn't have thrift store smell.

Stop Taking Buzzfeed Quizzes and Posting Their Dumb GIF Lists

I'm a technology addict, by posting chains of nothing that pretend to be something you are enabling my addictive behaviors, shame on you. You know I can't resist finding out what type of Mexican food I am or which Marx brother I should have a baby with. Also think about how disappointed I get when I realize that all 17 of the 22.5 reasons mom's shouldn't be on Facebook are the same reason! You are setting a bad example for me!

Quit Pinning Grotesque Open Infected Wounds and Knarley Injuries

Who does this? Make up artists that's who. Yes it is important research for them, but why should I have to look at it? Get a freaking secret board like you have for your wedding and porn stuff (also get rid of your porn stuff). While I'm at it I might add quit pinning lame quotes and naked pictures posing as work outs. In fact let's all just pim recipes and T-shirt ideas.

Stop Correcting People About Bon Iver

I refuse to say it right because I think it's lame when people correct me, so I can't let them win. Who cares how you say it as long as you acknowledge the beauty of their haunting melodies. Just like Gotye (which I thought was a tongue-in cheek way to spell "gotcha" for the longest time) no matter how you say their name they are a paltry one-hit wonder.

Quit Telling Me What to Do on the Internet

I should not have to wade through this many political articles and social justice blogs to get to my beloved Buzzfeed trash. Buzzfeed may be turning me totally apathetic and banal but at least it doesn't criticize my life choices and try to convince me that every ill of society is the fault of the government or some bad system society had constructed, and can therfore be fixed by a government program or proof that everyone is wrong. Why should I believe in slash take the advice of the internet stranger who clearly would rather rant on about their inconveniences than actually live the way they want others to live?

Modesty is Always in Style

I'm going to talk about how I feel about modesty and what I think about it. All five people who read this know I'm LDS. So to me modesty means wearing clothes that cover my body. I wear shirts with sleaves and skirts to my knees and I have leggings and tank tops on hand for layering when necessary. Right now I want to address this thing where LDS women don't want to renounce modesty, but they want to renounce the way it's framed. If you are a Mormon with internet access you've seen the blog posts about how women shouldn't be taught that they need to dress modestly for the sake of men. You see someone once pointed out that men have a hard time not getting distracted by skin - any amount of skin that can be seen on a woman. In the same breath it was pointed out that if a woman dresses modestly that distraction is removed. This is used as an encouragement for women to dress modestly. The idea is sort of like, "let's make it easy on the guys, they have a hard enough time controlling their thoughts as is." I believe that. Almost all of my guy friends have told me, "you don't get it, you don't think like a guy." I think that's true. I think women, for whatever reason are less likely to be aroused by the visual than the emotional, so we probably don't view the human body with as much intense awareness. My brother once told me, "when a girl and guy hug the girl thinks, ' awww a hug' the guy thinks, 'her boobs are on me.'" So yeah, if you dress modestly men are less likely to think about what your boobs are doing and more about what you're saying. So here's where we get derailed: it's easy to internalize that message and take it to mean, "it's my responsibility to make sure no guys are turned on by me." And if you believe that message and then you encounter some creepery it is easy to feel blamed for the actions of said creeper. Most victims of some type of sexual harassment and abuse feel partially to blame. I had a friend in collage who was on a date with a guy who grabbed her breasts at the end of the night. She told me about it a week or so later and asked if there was something about her that made guys behave that way. I asked if she invited that behavior. She said no (I knew she didn't). She told me this kind of thing happened to her a lot. She didn't dress immodestly, she didn't invite those behaviors, but she had a hard time believing that she was not to blame. I noticed over time that she didn't invite lewd behaviors but she didn't have all the tools she needed to discourage them either. I've noticed this with lots of my female friends who are afraid to turn down dates, issuee clear rebuffs, and report unwelcome behaviors to proper authorities because they are afraid of being mean or hurting feelings or being confrontational. Sometimes they are afraid they might get hurt if they hurt someone else. The thing that's hard to grasp here is the subtle difference between setting healthy boundaries and being mean. It's as subtle as the difference between inviting others to respect your body and trying to shoulder the responsibility of another person's actions.

So here's what I believe, here's how it all relates. I believe that the way you dress sends a message. I believe that dressing modestly sends the message that you respect and value your body, that it is your own and sacred to you. It is pretty difficult for someone to disrespect or objectify you and your body when you send a message that such treatment will not be tolerated. Dressing immodestly sends a converse message. That said, do I believe that sexual harassment, abuse, or assault are the fault of victims? No I don't. Do I believe that women who dress immodestly deserve sexual harassment and objectification? No, no one deserves that. Of course no one is to blame for someone else's actions. Of course men need to learn to control their thoughts and treat everyone like people, and choose styles of dress that let women know they also appreciate the sacred nature of the body. I'm just saying I believe that setting healthy boundaries and having confidence in yourself and respect and empathy for all people is empowering, protective, and restorative. I believe modesty in dress is a nonverbal way of setting a healthy boundary. It doesn't stand alone, it has to be backed up with actions and words. We need to have the courage to say, "your behavior is unwelcome and makes me uncomfortable, stop." I believe that making clear statements of this kind will repel unwanted behaviors and attract respect.

While writing this post I flipped through the strength of youth pamphlet and read the section about dress and appearance. The only reference I could find to modesty and other people was the phrase, "Your dress and grooming influences the way you and others act." And the only instruction about the behavior of others is, "Make a personal commitment to be sexually pure. By your words and actions encourage others to do the same." Fantastic word, encourage. It doesn't say "don't let others make choices," it doesn't say, "you are responsible for others' actions," it says "encourage." Give courage. Give others courage to do the same.

I don't believe in blaming all the false messages about women and modesty and sexual behavior on society or the media or the church. As far as media we're all involved in a collision scheme. Media that objectifies women would not be made if it wasn't successful, it wouldn't be successful if it wasn't made. It's similar to the energy crisis that way (I'm gonna let that one sit). As far as the church is concerned I think there is a lot of miscommunication. The church has no paid clergy, we're all volunteers doing our best, we don't always get the right messages across. Also, as I pointed out earlier, subtleties are hard to convey. You can't garuntee that what you say is what will be heard. I think we should forgive people their failures. That doesn't mean we don't acknowledge those failures and try to avoid them in our own lives, it doesn't mean we justify what they did it just means we let it go and try to understand how we would want to be treated or thought of if we made similar mistakes. Also I believe the only way to end the collusion cycle is to remove ourselves from it. There is a lot focused on what is wrong with the world, and what needs to stop and be torn down. Tearing down is incomplete without a way to build something else up, and struggling against something gives it a validity it doesn't have when ignored. I also know from experience that dwelling on past hurts and repeating what's wrong and reinforcing my own victim status does not solve anything. When I tell myself how much I've been wronged and how unfair it was and how much someone else needs to change what they are doing, I am less happy and less likely to heal because I see myself as a victim at the mercy of my circumstances, but when I tell myself that I am not a victim, that what happened to me will not keep me from living a happy life and that I have it in me to invite positive change and show people how to treat me by how I treat them and how I set boundaries I feel unstoppable. I don't want to be part of a culture with a victim identity, I want to be part of a culture with a healing identity. I want to set healthy boundaries verbally and nonverbally, forgive my wrongers and encourage - as in give courage to - others to do the same. I don't feel blamed by the idea that dressing modestly will direct a man's attention to my soul and not just my body. I see empowerment in it. If the way people dress influences their actions then we can effect a lot of change by dressing in a way consistent with our integrity and our view of our body.

How to Call People

It always word me out when I enter a bathroom at work and find unflushed toilets. But I've made a study of this over the years and I really think that we've all become so used to automatically flushing toilets that we now don't flush them. A similar thing has happened with phone calls. We've become so used to texting that calling on the phone is a lost skill and phone calls have become far less concise. Or maybe spoken messages have always been less concise than written ones and I just wanted an excuse to spout that totally accurate toilet theory. Yeah that's probably it. But I digress. I've spent 70% of my customer service career on the phone and I'm going to now give you tips and tricks for calling customer service of any kind.... or at least the kind I've worked for.

*Keep the Small Talk to a Minimum
      When you call a call center the person who answers doesn't care if you say their name right, or if you spell it right when you write it down for later. Asking how they are and trying to chit chat and be friendly is well intended, but it slows down the process of getting you what you want and is likely to annoy the rep you're talking to because they probably have ten other calls in the queue, a non-call related task with a deadline and possibly people waiting for help in person. If your rep is annoyed they won't want to help you. Also flirting is unwelcome. Socializing with strangers who can't see you is a mine field so don't try it unless they initiate, even then be wary.

*Ask only for what you need.
      This sounds like a no-brainer, but it doesn't happen often. I can't tell you how many times I've had to say, "that's great, but what would you like me to do?" a lot of people call customer service lines and take a lot of time describing their situation instead of asking for service. When I worked at financial aid I used to hear, "Hi my son lives in Tooele and he graduated from high school this year and he's a really smart kid and we've been looking at a few different schools and he doesn't want to decide on one until he knows what kind of scholarship he's going to get and I was just wondering if you had any scholarships for boys who play saxophone?" Going through a whole train of thought like this slows down the process and now someone you've never met knows way too much about your kid.  The person you talk to on the phone, especially at a hospital is probably only trained to direct calls and handle simple questions relayed to their job. They don't need to know your life story and you don't want them to. So before you call think of what you need and ask for it in a question: "Do you give any scholarships for saxophone players?" If the person you talk to on the phone needs more detail to assist you they will ask for it.

*Details are good
      Even though too much detail about you is counter productive, knowing and giving details about the organization will help you. If you know the name of the person you need to speak with (your admissions counselor, therapist, professor what have you) then almost anyone can get you to them. If you know the name of their department even better. Not everyone in an organization knows the name of the person you need, but they will know how tasks are divided.
Do be sure you ask for the right person. Don't just ask for the only person you know, get online and find out who does what and ask for the appropriate person. I can't tell you how many people called the Shakespeare Festival and asked to speak to the founder about getting tickets. Odds are even if you get to the person you think will help you they'll give you back to the department you were just talking to.

* Don't call when you are in a bad mood.
      Again, bullying and annoying people isn't gonna get you any help. I used to put really angry customers on hold and slowly take my time researching the answer to their question. Also you'll be more likely to make a mistake of you're upset. What do I mean by a mistake? Calling the wrong department or chewing out someone who has nothing to do with your problem, or wasting your time on something that has no solution. Yeah, some complaints don't have solutions. One time a theater patron came and complained to my friend at the box office about a 4 year old who was brought into a play where no one under 6 was permitted. My friend apologized and promised to tell the house managers to be more careful about screening for young children. The woman was not satisfied with that and asked to speak to the front of house manager. When the manager appeared the woman told the story again. The manager asked, "what would you like us to do?" The woman said, "I just wanted to feel heard." Before you call anywhere to complain about anything ask yourself the same question. If the answer is, "I would like my money back" Or anything the offending organization can feasibly do, by all means call, and ask. If the answer is emotionally based don't call. If you just want to feel heard then complain to a spouse, best friend, or therapist. They will validate you better than a 21 year old who's job is to sit in a 4 by 8 box and get yelled at on the phone.

*Remember, call center workers are people too
     How would you feel if you had to sit at a counter for four hours answering the same five questions? How would you feel if you had three assignments due in three classes the next day and had to sit behind a counter for four hours answering the same five questions? I used to have to explain how to order a tax transcript from the IRS to college students. Nine times out of ten they told me that was dumb and vented their frustration with the feds on me. One day I said to a co-worker, "I wonder what's worse, requesting your taxes or having to explain how to request your taxes." A student who over-heard said, "oh Dude, requesting is way worse. You have to do this whole quiz thing and it's a huge pain." I thought, "oh really? And do you take it five times an hour for four hours? And does it roll its eyes at you after each time?" Talking to people about the same product or service all day is tiring. It is also tiring to have to solve a problem you didn't cause and have very little power to fix. How wouldyou want someone to talk to you if your job waslike this? Treating people like you want to be treated is no less helpful on the phone than in real life.

So I hope this helps with your next customer service interaction. If it doesn't don't call me, just complain to a friend, that way you'll feel heard.

Pseudologia Fantastica

One time when I was about 9 or so I told my friend Austin I was going to a performing arts academy in Boston for a year. He totally didn't believe me and neither did I. It was something I wanted to happen and I thought it would be fun to see if I could get him to believe me. I planned to come clean after I had deceived him long enough. I told my mom about my clever practical joke and she said that was dumb.... at least I think she did. I have vague memories of her disapproving and telling me not to lie. I realized how dumb it was and then immediately forgot about it and apparently so did Austin because he never brought it up in the last 14 odd years.... that I can remember.  I'm trying to be really honest here because I'm talking about lying and you know, glass houses etc. Anyway since then I've tried to be pretty honest. I say pretty honest because none of us is totally honest. Nobody remembers an event accurately so they can't recount it totally accurately.  Most people want to be seen as the hero of a story, so when we tell one about an event we (I) say what we meant and not what we said. I've noticed I have a tendency to conjecture rather than own my ignorance on a topic because I would rather try to figure something out and hide my ignorance than ask for help. Some of my favorite people are good at joke lies, like my actor buddies who start doing a bit to fool a new person and everyone catches on and joins in. Also like my friend from college who loved to convince people his nephew was his son, then when they said, "really?" he'd say, "I'm just messing with you." That stuff is normal....I hope. But lately I've been thinking about the most odd form of lying: compulsive or pathological lying.  Everybody knows one, every garden grows one. I've known four that I'm aware of. If I told you their stories you'd say you knew those people too. They always lie about having an impossibly cool job, a ridiculously awesome accomplishment, a pitiful disease, or my favorite, a high risk pregnancy. I was a theater nerd for years so the fibs I heard were all performance- related. These kinds of lies are not uncommon among children and teens.  Probably everyone in Utah knows a girl who claimed to be in High School Musical. We all knew a girl who wore a huge cast after a minor injury. As an adult they get better at it. I've met compulsive liars who are smart, kind, talented people who you would never believe we're liars. They act so humble and unassuming when they lie that they can't possibly be lying right? As a kid it's like, "duh you didn't see Michael Jackson at 7-11." As an adult is like, "I'm pretty sure you weren't Meat Loaf's roady but you do seem like you may have carried heavy equipment." Or, "If you're a public defender why do you have so much time to post Disney fan theories on Facebook? But the economy's in the toilet right?"
As an adult it seems like pathological liars get better at making up realistic bull crap that's harder to screen. Thaet's partly why they become harder to deal with. The other part is that directness is difficult as an adult.  As a kid you have fewer inhibitions so calling people out isn't that hard; you just say, "nuh-uh" then you just don't play with them. As an adult embarrassing people is rude so we hesitate to say, "nuh-uh."  I think we all sort of find pathological liars a little baffling. It's easy to understand an external motive like hiding an addiction, manipulating to get gain, covering up a crime, shielding loved ones from harmful facts, or protecting the public from the knowledge of the existence of aliens from other planets (don't tell me you buy that weather balloon hogwash); but when you meet someone really very nice and fun who tells you outrageous things that you can't believe and you know you would like them even though they didn't do those things and you would like them better if they didn't claim to do those things you're like...... why? Why bother?  The easy answer, the one mental health professionals seem to endorse is low self esteem. Basically they are trying to impress everyone. But to me that seems so simple, too simple really. We all want to be liked, but most of us don't make up elaborately detailed stories to try and court favor. So something else is at work right? According to trusty old Wikipedia there have been studies that show that compulsive liars have similar childhood experiences, parents with mental illness and the like. Some 40 per cent or so have brain and spinal cord abnormalities. Many have...you know.... frontal lobe..... white-matter.... thingy, okay I'm not a doctor, but they're brains do seem to be different but who knows if that's genetic or if their brains have responded to patterns of use. The internet also suggests that many therapists treat pathological liars by addressing the addictive aspects of lying as well as the underlying self esteem issues. So are there recovering liars? Is there a liars anonymous support group?  I actually found a sight that provided resources and support for pathological liars who want to overcome their lies. The soft said that therapy for chronic lying (as with anything) is only effective if the lair recognizes the condition. However, the internet also seems to think it's possible that pathological liars believe their own fantasies. That's terrifying. In that case,  how does someone recognize they are a liar? We've all had weird stuff happen when no one's around. Who would believe those things? But if we remember them we know what happened. At least when people are manipulating they know they are lying, when someone denies an addiction they know they are lying. But if it's possible that your fondest memories are fake, then how do you know what's real? As one who has played in the leaves at the bottom of the hypochondria tree (though never climbed the trunk and eaten the apples) I worry about these things. I was at a wedding last weekend with a bunch of college buddies and as I told them some of the weird things about working at a psych hospital (at least the ones I can tell without violating HIPAA) I thought, "this stuff sounds made up." Often I tell an awesome story about a drunk guy who called me a great young talent and when I do I think, "that sounds made up." When I wrote that post about my dreams many of them sounded made up and some of them were so hastily described that I don't think I conveyed them right. So how do you all know I'm not a pathological liar? I have memories of all the stories I tell. I'm pretty sure I work in a psych hospital....I keep showing up there. I'm pretty sure I met Mike Birbiglia.... my friend Andrew was there. I'm also reasonably certain Colin Meloy looked at me during a Decemberists concert..... Oh who am I kidding of course he looked at me. But how can I ever be sure of the rest of it? People seem to believe my stories, but maybe they just don't know how else to react because they sound a little like they might be true. I'm pretty sure I'm not a compulsive liar. But I can't know for sure so I try to at least call myself out on the stuff I know is crap. But maybe even if I am it's not a big deal. Psychologists really don't seemed too worried about it. Compulsive lying is apparently not in the DSM, so it has no official diagnosis. It is very sparsely researched and most professionals see it as a symptom of a personality disorder not as a disorder unto itself. Soooooooo looks like they are none too worried about chronic liars unless they are also sociopaths. Most people also don't seem too worried about chronic lying. Annoying as it is does it really kill anyone if your friend thinks he was one of the Stone Temple Pilots (stoned? Stone? *shrug*)? So what do you do with a drunken sailor? I mean compulsive liar. Well, I don't actually know but Wikihow.com had some good suggestions (with pictures!). They suggest keeping a journal of the lies, acting unimpressed by elaborate lies, patiently and politely pointing out lying patterns. They repeat often that patience is key and that you should always let the liar know that you care for them and ate trying to help them. Of course if you don't have a particular fondness or desire for friendship with the pathological liar in your life then you can always just... you know... avoid them, maybe make up a good excuse or something.  I'm kidding! Or am I? We never determined if my new horrors are real or not, I might still be a pathological liar. But I guess that's not a big deal, at least not add big a deal as hypochondria, OCD, or autophobia, ago of which I think I have so I better go wash my hands before I hurt someone.

Dreams are a Wish You're Heart Screams

A few years ago I started writing down my dreams. I haven't done so in a while but I really souls because dreams are great. At least my dreams are great. Even when they're awful they're great. So I thought I would take a post to share some of my most favorite horrible, funny, wired dreams by category.

Anxiety Dreams:

These are those recurring dreams that don't have exactly the same events but similar themes. Most of mine are pretty normal. I mainly have the one where you can't get to class or an appointment on time no matter how hard you try and the one where you forget a class you signed up for and have to do all the work in a day. I've only had the actor's nightmare twice ever. I have two recurring anxiety dreams I'm pretty sure no one else has. One where Sean Astin is my boyfriend and one where I have to walk through a huge room filed with taxidermy. The first one happens when I'm tense and watch a lot of LOTR to cope. In my dreams Sean is a great, supportive, affectionate boyfriend. We never make love but we kiss and he rubs my back and asks how my day was. The first time I had this one though we made out in a tree house and then he left me to have a relationship with my friend Jacob Begay (how did my subconscious fish that out?). The weirdest thing about the Sean Astin dreams is that he's always in his Samwise gear but not in character. The taxidermy one happens way more frequently. In this one there's usually a huge round room full of dead stuffed and posed animals and animal heads. I'm always forced to walk through it. Nothing else happens. The animals don't fall on me or come to life, I just hate the feeling of being surrounded by them. The worst of these was one where I had a two year old daughter and had to walk into a room full of taxidermy to get her.

Celebrity Dreams:

I have the lamest celebrity dreams. I had a dream that Kenneth Branagh was a teacher at my boarding school and I bought him a TI89 so he would quit making out with ladies in our common room. I had another one where I followed Shatner around a convention and helped him collect swag. I also had kind of a cool one about working back stage on a Neil Diamond concert at my High School. To thank me he gave me a quilt. My only saucy celebrity dream was about Christopher Lloyd. I watched clue a bunch of times one week when I was thirteen and I dreamed he was my psychiatrist and things got....unethical. I told my sister about that and she couldn't believe a thirteen year old me dreamed about doing the deed with the page page master. I still can't believe it. At least the Sean Astin dreams sort of balance that out.

Nightmares:

As a kid I had the worst nightmares. I dreamed my town was going to be wiped out by a volcano and the adults decided to leave all the little kids behind in the elementary school. The last scene of this dream featured a confrontation with my mother who causally told me that we were all going to die and everyone in the town they moved to would believe they couldn't save us. I woke up crying. As an adult my nightmares are worse because in addition to showing me my worst fears they also have levels of symbolism relating to real events. My worst nightmares as an adult are filled with ghosts. In college I had a dream of ghosts who got angry with me for sleeping with the seventeen year old son of the family who owned my house. At the time I felt all the guys around were younger than me. I had one a few weeks ago about the ghost of a mentally ill child who haunted the psych hospital I work at. He attached himself to me and became possessive and demanding and I had to quit my job. I was afraid to collect my things when I left because he was causing disturbances in my office. At that time I had a co-worker I felt was bullying me and I have an over arching fear of screwing up my kids lives. The worst from when I was a kid was one I had in high school where I was a serial killer but with no memory of my murders and overwhelming remorse for my deeds. I think I watched Summer of Sam  before that one.

Oddly Realistic Things That Could Happen But Won't:

These are pretty common with me. Usually they are about conversations with someone I can't talk to at the moment. I used to have dreams after my friend went on his mission that I finally told him I was into him and he rejected me. In one of these we then had to sit through a long train ride with me snapping at him out of angry embarrassment. There can sometimes be surreal things in these too. Like when I was in high school and I dreamed I married my crush and moved to Provo and everyone thought we were a shotgun marriage. The surreal thing was that we tried to make a sex tape to send to the producers of Desperate Housewives. Sometimes these dreams are great like when I get to catch up with someone I miss. Like right after my Grandpa died I had a dream that I went to his house and just walked along the front lawn with him. He looked like a cross between himself and Gordon B. Hinkley (who died a short time later) and he smiled at me. That was it, just smiled and I knew he loved me. Also in this category are dreams where stupid things seem normal. Like the one where I asked my patents why they were giving me presents when it wasn't Christmas or my birthday and they said, "It's September 11th silly!" Of course.

Zombie Dreams:

I don't count these as nightmares because my zombie dreams our awesome. That's weird because zombies scare me more than anything. But in my dreams I am always awesome and the Zombies are are easy to kill and there's no gore. In one I stood on top of my car and killed zombies with a toaster. In another I was a cross between Steve McQueen and Charlton Hesston and drove a red charger and took out a bunch of zombies by pushing the car uphill with a rod, and letting it roll down the hill bowling over zombies as it went. When it got to the bottom of the hill I jumped in the open door before it stopped moving. My favorite one was one where I was making out with Mark Ruffalo when the apocalypse came so I ran and left him and the rest of the avengers cast to fend for themselves while I hid in a bathroom from the undead hord.

I tend to only remember my dreams periodically so when I do they all have similar themes. Like one week they're all about my feelings on marriage and another they're all anxiety. Last week they were all about awkward dating situations and running into my ex. I wish I could get a sampler of them all. I've dreamed in black and white, cartoon, claymation and one time there was a Hitchcock cameo. Sometimes I watch myself in third person and don't look like me. Dreams are awesome.

Please Accept This Universal Apology

I think I've found a solution to all the complaining, campaigning, and self justifying that goes on on the internet.

What follows is a proxy apology to everyone for everything. As you read it picture the person who did something to you saying it and try to forgive them.

           Dear_____________on behalf of everyone who has ever hurt, lied to, betrayed, offended, abused, undervalued, demeaned, abandoned, disrespected, annoyed, bullied or frustrated you; I'm Sorry. On behalf of every rude co-worker, every crappy boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/best friend, every horrible boss, every lackluster employee, every insubordinate slacker, every bad Sunday school/institute/seminary/priesthood/relief society/Hebrew school/Newman club/Bible study/religious philosophy teacher, every douchy professor, every tool who shouted something from a car; I'm sorry. On behalf of all the bureaucrats, sales reps, costumer service reps, call center workers, governmental institutions, PR men, spin doctors, lawyers,  law enforcement officials, banks, pyramid schemers,  and over-all shisters who stand in your way; I'm sorry. To all of you who have been wronged, annoyed, abused, frustrated, rebuffed, offended, disparaged etc.; I'm sorry. What I did/said/implied to/around/with you was wrong. It must have hurt and maybe embarrassed you. You are totally right to feel angry and hurt and upset. There is so much injustice, imprudence, insensitivity, and harshness in the world and I have not been helping. And by continuing to believe I am right and that what I did was okay I am harming society. I am sorry about this. I am sorry that I hurt you. I am sorry for the ways my actions have negatively or adversely affected you. I will try do to right by you from now on and I may not succeed and when I don't please know that my actions do not reflect on you, all they reflect is my view of you, and how could what I think of you ever be important? Also remember that what happened to/was said around/was implied to you was no one's fault but mine. I am to blame. I will accept that blame and absolve you of any blame I saw. And always and forever you can rest assured that you are right, I am wrong, we're both just people, and I am sorry.