How to Call People

It always word me out when I enter a bathroom at work and find unflushed toilets. But I've made a study of this over the years and I really think that we've all become so used to automatically flushing toilets that we now don't flush them. A similar thing has happened with phone calls. We've become so used to texting that calling on the phone is a lost skill and phone calls have become far less concise. Or maybe spoken messages have always been less concise than written ones and I just wanted an excuse to spout that totally accurate toilet theory. Yeah that's probably it. But I digress. I've spent 70% of my customer service career on the phone and I'm going to now give you tips and tricks for calling customer service of any kind.... or at least the kind I've worked for.

*Keep the Small Talk to a Minimum
      When you call a call center the person who answers doesn't care if you say their name right, or if you spell it right when you write it down for later. Asking how they are and trying to chit chat and be friendly is well intended, but it slows down the process of getting you what you want and is likely to annoy the rep you're talking to because they probably have ten other calls in the queue, a non-call related task with a deadline and possibly people waiting for help in person. If your rep is annoyed they won't want to help you. Also flirting is unwelcome. Socializing with strangers who can't see you is a mine field so don't try it unless they initiate, even then be wary.

*Ask only for what you need.
      This sounds like a no-brainer, but it doesn't happen often. I can't tell you how many times I've had to say, "that's great, but what would you like me to do?" a lot of people call customer service lines and take a lot of time describing their situation instead of asking for service. When I worked at financial aid I used to hear, "Hi my son lives in Tooele and he graduated from high school this year and he's a really smart kid and we've been looking at a few different schools and he doesn't want to decide on one until he knows what kind of scholarship he's going to get and I was just wondering if you had any scholarships for boys who play saxophone?" Going through a whole train of thought like this slows down the process and now someone you've never met knows way too much about your kid.  The person you talk to on the phone, especially at a hospital is probably only trained to direct calls and handle simple questions relayed to their job. They don't need to know your life story and you don't want them to. So before you call think of what you need and ask for it in a question: "Do you give any scholarships for saxophone players?" If the person you talk to on the phone needs more detail to assist you they will ask for it.

*Details are good
      Even though too much detail about you is counter productive, knowing and giving details about the organization will help you. If you know the name of the person you need to speak with (your admissions counselor, therapist, professor what have you) then almost anyone can get you to them. If you know the name of their department even better. Not everyone in an organization knows the name of the person you need, but they will know how tasks are divided.
Do be sure you ask for the right person. Don't just ask for the only person you know, get online and find out who does what and ask for the appropriate person. I can't tell you how many people called the Shakespeare Festival and asked to speak to the founder about getting tickets. Odds are even if you get to the person you think will help you they'll give you back to the department you were just talking to.

* Don't call when you are in a bad mood.
      Again, bullying and annoying people isn't gonna get you any help. I used to put really angry customers on hold and slowly take my time researching the answer to their question. Also you'll be more likely to make a mistake of you're upset. What do I mean by a mistake? Calling the wrong department or chewing out someone who has nothing to do with your problem, or wasting your time on something that has no solution. Yeah, some complaints don't have solutions. One time a theater patron came and complained to my friend at the box office about a 4 year old who was brought into a play where no one under 6 was permitted. My friend apologized and promised to tell the house managers to be more careful about screening for young children. The woman was not satisfied with that and asked to speak to the front of house manager. When the manager appeared the woman told the story again. The manager asked, "what would you like us to do?" The woman said, "I just wanted to feel heard." Before you call anywhere to complain about anything ask yourself the same question. If the answer is, "I would like my money back" Or anything the offending organization can feasibly do, by all means call, and ask. If the answer is emotionally based don't call. If you just want to feel heard then complain to a spouse, best friend, or therapist. They will validate you better than a 21 year old who's job is to sit in a 4 by 8 box and get yelled at on the phone.

*Remember, call center workers are people too
     How would you feel if you had to sit at a counter for four hours answering the same five questions? How would you feel if you had three assignments due in three classes the next day and had to sit behind a counter for four hours answering the same five questions? I used to have to explain how to order a tax transcript from the IRS to college students. Nine times out of ten they told me that was dumb and vented their frustration with the feds on me. One day I said to a co-worker, "I wonder what's worse, requesting your taxes or having to explain how to request your taxes." A student who over-heard said, "oh Dude, requesting is way worse. You have to do this whole quiz thing and it's a huge pain." I thought, "oh really? And do you take it five times an hour for four hours? And does it roll its eyes at you after each time?" Talking to people about the same product or service all day is tiring. It is also tiring to have to solve a problem you didn't cause and have very little power to fix. How wouldyou want someone to talk to you if your job waslike this? Treating people like you want to be treated is no less helpful on the phone than in real life.

So I hope this helps with your next customer service interaction. If it doesn't don't call me, just complain to a friend, that way you'll feel heard.

Pseudologia Fantastica

One time when I was about 9 or so I told my friend Austin I was going to a performing arts academy in Boston for a year. He totally didn't believe me and neither did I. It was something I wanted to happen and I thought it would be fun to see if I could get him to believe me. I planned to come clean after I had deceived him long enough. I told my mom about my clever practical joke and she said that was dumb.... at least I think she did. I have vague memories of her disapproving and telling me not to lie. I realized how dumb it was and then immediately forgot about it and apparently so did Austin because he never brought it up in the last 14 odd years.... that I can remember.  I'm trying to be really honest here because I'm talking about lying and you know, glass houses etc. Anyway since then I've tried to be pretty honest. I say pretty honest because none of us is totally honest. Nobody remembers an event accurately so they can't recount it totally accurately.  Most people want to be seen as the hero of a story, so when we tell one about an event we (I) say what we meant and not what we said. I've noticed I have a tendency to conjecture rather than own my ignorance on a topic because I would rather try to figure something out and hide my ignorance than ask for help. Some of my favorite people are good at joke lies, like my actor buddies who start doing a bit to fool a new person and everyone catches on and joins in. Also like my friend from college who loved to convince people his nephew was his son, then when they said, "really?" he'd say, "I'm just messing with you." That stuff is normal....I hope. But lately I've been thinking about the most odd form of lying: compulsive or pathological lying.  Everybody knows one, every garden grows one. I've known four that I'm aware of. If I told you their stories you'd say you knew those people too. They always lie about having an impossibly cool job, a ridiculously awesome accomplishment, a pitiful disease, or my favorite, a high risk pregnancy. I was a theater nerd for years so the fibs I heard were all performance- related. These kinds of lies are not uncommon among children and teens.  Probably everyone in Utah knows a girl who claimed to be in High School Musical. We all knew a girl who wore a huge cast after a minor injury. As an adult they get better at it. I've met compulsive liars who are smart, kind, talented people who you would never believe we're liars. They act so humble and unassuming when they lie that they can't possibly be lying right? As a kid it's like, "duh you didn't see Michael Jackson at 7-11." As an adult is like, "I'm pretty sure you weren't Meat Loaf's roady but you do seem like you may have carried heavy equipment." Or, "If you're a public defender why do you have so much time to post Disney fan theories on Facebook? But the economy's in the toilet right?"
As an adult it seems like pathological liars get better at making up realistic bull crap that's harder to screen. Thaet's partly why they become harder to deal with. The other part is that directness is difficult as an adult.  As a kid you have fewer inhibitions so calling people out isn't that hard; you just say, "nuh-uh" then you just don't play with them. As an adult embarrassing people is rude so we hesitate to say, "nuh-uh."  I think we all sort of find pathological liars a little baffling. It's easy to understand an external motive like hiding an addiction, manipulating to get gain, covering up a crime, shielding loved ones from harmful facts, or protecting the public from the knowledge of the existence of aliens from other planets (don't tell me you buy that weather balloon hogwash); but when you meet someone really very nice and fun who tells you outrageous things that you can't believe and you know you would like them even though they didn't do those things and you would like them better if they didn't claim to do those things you're like...... why? Why bother?  The easy answer, the one mental health professionals seem to endorse is low self esteem. Basically they are trying to impress everyone. But to me that seems so simple, too simple really. We all want to be liked, but most of us don't make up elaborately detailed stories to try and court favor. So something else is at work right? According to trusty old Wikipedia there have been studies that show that compulsive liars have similar childhood experiences, parents with mental illness and the like. Some 40 per cent or so have brain and spinal cord abnormalities. Many have...you know.... frontal lobe..... white-matter.... thingy, okay I'm not a doctor, but they're brains do seem to be different but who knows if that's genetic or if their brains have responded to patterns of use. The internet also suggests that many therapists treat pathological liars by addressing the addictive aspects of lying as well as the underlying self esteem issues. So are there recovering liars? Is there a liars anonymous support group?  I actually found a sight that provided resources and support for pathological liars who want to overcome their lies. The soft said that therapy for chronic lying (as with anything) is only effective if the lair recognizes the condition. However, the internet also seems to think it's possible that pathological liars believe their own fantasies. That's terrifying. In that case,  how does someone recognize they are a liar? We've all had weird stuff happen when no one's around. Who would believe those things? But if we remember them we know what happened. At least when people are manipulating they know they are lying, when someone denies an addiction they know they are lying. But if it's possible that your fondest memories are fake, then how do you know what's real? As one who has played in the leaves at the bottom of the hypochondria tree (though never climbed the trunk and eaten the apples) I worry about these things. I was at a wedding last weekend with a bunch of college buddies and as I told them some of the weird things about working at a psych hospital (at least the ones I can tell without violating HIPAA) I thought, "this stuff sounds made up." Often I tell an awesome story about a drunk guy who called me a great young talent and when I do I think, "that sounds made up." When I wrote that post about my dreams many of them sounded made up and some of them were so hastily described that I don't think I conveyed them right. So how do you all know I'm not a pathological liar? I have memories of all the stories I tell. I'm pretty sure I work in a psych hospital....I keep showing up there. I'm pretty sure I met Mike Birbiglia.... my friend Andrew was there. I'm also reasonably certain Colin Meloy looked at me during a Decemberists concert..... Oh who am I kidding of course he looked at me. But how can I ever be sure of the rest of it? People seem to believe my stories, but maybe they just don't know how else to react because they sound a little like they might be true. I'm pretty sure I'm not a compulsive liar. But I can't know for sure so I try to at least call myself out on the stuff I know is crap. But maybe even if I am it's not a big deal. Psychologists really don't seemed too worried about it. Compulsive lying is apparently not in the DSM, so it has no official diagnosis. It is very sparsely researched and most professionals see it as a symptom of a personality disorder not as a disorder unto itself. Soooooooo looks like they are none too worried about chronic liars unless they are also sociopaths. Most people also don't seem too worried about chronic lying. Annoying as it is does it really kill anyone if your friend thinks he was one of the Stone Temple Pilots (stoned? Stone? *shrug*)? So what do you do with a drunken sailor? I mean compulsive liar. Well, I don't actually know but Wikihow.com had some good suggestions (with pictures!). They suggest keeping a journal of the lies, acting unimpressed by elaborate lies, patiently and politely pointing out lying patterns. They repeat often that patience is key and that you should always let the liar know that you care for them and ate trying to help them. Of course if you don't have a particular fondness or desire for friendship with the pathological liar in your life then you can always just... you know... avoid them, maybe make up a good excuse or something.  I'm kidding! Or am I? We never determined if my new horrors are real or not, I might still be a pathological liar. But I guess that's not a big deal, at least not add big a deal as hypochondria, OCD, or autophobia, ago of which I think I have so I better go wash my hands before I hurt someone.

Dreams are a Wish You're Heart Screams

A few years ago I started writing down my dreams. I haven't done so in a while but I really souls because dreams are great. At least my dreams are great. Even when they're awful they're great. So I thought I would take a post to share some of my most favorite horrible, funny, wired dreams by category.

Anxiety Dreams:

These are those recurring dreams that don't have exactly the same events but similar themes. Most of mine are pretty normal. I mainly have the one where you can't get to class or an appointment on time no matter how hard you try and the one where you forget a class you signed up for and have to do all the work in a day. I've only had the actor's nightmare twice ever. I have two recurring anxiety dreams I'm pretty sure no one else has. One where Sean Astin is my boyfriend and one where I have to walk through a huge room filed with taxidermy. The first one happens when I'm tense and watch a lot of LOTR to cope. In my dreams Sean is a great, supportive, affectionate boyfriend. We never make love but we kiss and he rubs my back and asks how my day was. The first time I had this one though we made out in a tree house and then he left me to have a relationship with my friend Jacob Begay (how did my subconscious fish that out?). The weirdest thing about the Sean Astin dreams is that he's always in his Samwise gear but not in character. The taxidermy one happens way more frequently. In this one there's usually a huge round room full of dead stuffed and posed animals and animal heads. I'm always forced to walk through it. Nothing else happens. The animals don't fall on me or come to life, I just hate the feeling of being surrounded by them. The worst of these was one where I had a two year old daughter and had to walk into a room full of taxidermy to get her.

Celebrity Dreams:

I have the lamest celebrity dreams. I had a dream that Kenneth Branagh was a teacher at my boarding school and I bought him a TI89 so he would quit making out with ladies in our common room. I had another one where I followed Shatner around a convention and helped him collect swag. I also had kind of a cool one about working back stage on a Neil Diamond concert at my High School. To thank me he gave me a quilt. My only saucy celebrity dream was about Christopher Lloyd. I watched clue a bunch of times one week when I was thirteen and I dreamed he was my psychiatrist and things got....unethical. I told my sister about that and she couldn't believe a thirteen year old me dreamed about doing the deed with the page page master. I still can't believe it. At least the Sean Astin dreams sort of balance that out.

Nightmares:

As a kid I had the worst nightmares. I dreamed my town was going to be wiped out by a volcano and the adults decided to leave all the little kids behind in the elementary school. The last scene of this dream featured a confrontation with my mother who causally told me that we were all going to die and everyone in the town they moved to would believe they couldn't save us. I woke up crying. As an adult my nightmares are worse because in addition to showing me my worst fears they also have levels of symbolism relating to real events. My worst nightmares as an adult are filled with ghosts. In college I had a dream of ghosts who got angry with me for sleeping with the seventeen year old son of the family who owned my house. At the time I felt all the guys around were younger than me. I had one a few weeks ago about the ghost of a mentally ill child who haunted the psych hospital I work at. He attached himself to me and became possessive and demanding and I had to quit my job. I was afraid to collect my things when I left because he was causing disturbances in my office. At that time I had a co-worker I felt was bullying me and I have an over arching fear of screwing up my kids lives. The worst from when I was a kid was one I had in high school where I was a serial killer but with no memory of my murders and overwhelming remorse for my deeds. I think I watched Summer of Sam  before that one.

Oddly Realistic Things That Could Happen But Won't:

These are pretty common with me. Usually they are about conversations with someone I can't talk to at the moment. I used to have dreams after my friend went on his mission that I finally told him I was into him and he rejected me. In one of these we then had to sit through a long train ride with me snapping at him out of angry embarrassment. There can sometimes be surreal things in these too. Like when I was in high school and I dreamed I married my crush and moved to Provo and everyone thought we were a shotgun marriage. The surreal thing was that we tried to make a sex tape to send to the producers of Desperate Housewives. Sometimes these dreams are great like when I get to catch up with someone I miss. Like right after my Grandpa died I had a dream that I went to his house and just walked along the front lawn with him. He looked like a cross between himself and Gordon B. Hinkley (who died a short time later) and he smiled at me. That was it, just smiled and I knew he loved me. Also in this category are dreams where stupid things seem normal. Like the one where I asked my patents why they were giving me presents when it wasn't Christmas or my birthday and they said, "It's September 11th silly!" Of course.

Zombie Dreams:

I don't count these as nightmares because my zombie dreams our awesome. That's weird because zombies scare me more than anything. But in my dreams I am always awesome and the Zombies are are easy to kill and there's no gore. In one I stood on top of my car and killed zombies with a toaster. In another I was a cross between Steve McQueen and Charlton Hesston and drove a red charger and took out a bunch of zombies by pushing the car uphill with a rod, and letting it roll down the hill bowling over zombies as it went. When it got to the bottom of the hill I jumped in the open door before it stopped moving. My favorite one was one where I was making out with Mark Ruffalo when the apocalypse came so I ran and left him and the rest of the avengers cast to fend for themselves while I hid in a bathroom from the undead hord.

I tend to only remember my dreams periodically so when I do they all have similar themes. Like one week they're all about my feelings on marriage and another they're all anxiety. Last week they were all about awkward dating situations and running into my ex. I wish I could get a sampler of them all. I've dreamed in black and white, cartoon, claymation and one time there was a Hitchcock cameo. Sometimes I watch myself in third person and don't look like me. Dreams are awesome.