Who Told You to Burn that Church?

I hardly ever post this close together but I got like three post ideas last night and decided to run with them. Because its the most patriotic month I decided to tell one of my new favorite American History stories. This is a quick one, so don't fall asleep yet.

Everyone knows about Lexington and Concord right? You all know it was the first battle of the Revolutionary war, and the Americans - against all odds - chased the British back to Boston. What you may forget (I know I do) from American History class is that the British just about spanked the Americans. The British army had the Americans running away form Lexington, and there is strong historical evidence to suggest that probably some of the young, clueless American farmers and tradesmen manning their scant arms were not really expecting a fight, or at least they didn't know what it would mean if they got one. Put that up against the best trained, best drilled, best dressed army in the world at the time and what happens is exactly what you would think. 

So the British chased the Americans or "Colonists" out of Lexington. They proceeded to Concord to search for the arms they thought they would find at Lexington, and they were held up at the bridge by militia men trying to buy time for their friends trying to smuggle their stockpile of weapons out of town. But the group of soldiers detained at the bridge was just a portion of the army unit dispatched to put down the rebels at Lexington. The other portion lost patience with the trigger-happy colonists on the narrow bridge and ran ahead of their commanding officer to enter Concord by an alternate route. If I was from New England or if I had done more and better research on this story I would include more detailed descriptions of the landscape, but I'm not and I didn't, because this is a blog where I tell stories I like, and not an academic journal where I actually have to know something.

Anyway, the lobster-backs who snuck into Concord entered the township and -- a long way from looking for firearms -- promptly set fire to a church. Hardly a great moment in military heroism; take a break from chasing frightened farmers with out-dated guns to burn down their publicly-funded place of worship. To his great credit their commanding officer caught up to his men, reprimanded them for setting the fire and ordered them to put it out. 

The thing I like best about this story isn't that humanity triumphed over degradation or that the larger arch ends with the Americans turning the tables on the arrogant powerful British. What I like best about this story is that even though it takes place in New England, and even though the gallant officer who ordered the unruly troops to put out the fire was from somewhere in Britain, I always picture a James Kahn-type in a funny powdered wig riding up to a bunch of red-coats, dismounting and saying, in a New Jersey/New York-ish East Coast accent, "What a' ya doin'? Who told you to burn that church? Did I tell you to burn that church? You chuckle-heads put that out right now." 

I don't have a point with this, I just thought it was funny. 

A Defense of Terrible Movies

I've discovered something about myself. It was a pretty important discovery. Possibly as important as discovering what it means to be a woman and definitely as important as discovering that I'm about two ticks away from Aspberger's Syndrome. I discovered that I am not the movie snob I always thought I was. I was shown a lot of fantastic and deep movies at a young age, and by high school I considered myself a pretty decent judge of quality in a film. As an acting student I have a hard time enjoying movies and plays, partly because I've been taught to over-analyze and judge every choice made by the film-makers and partly because I'm distracted by thoughts like, "I wonder how itchy that beard was," or, "that guy gets paid every time they show that picture," or, "hey this was filmed in Utah." For example I took umbrage over Bruckheimer's feeble attempt to pass off bits of Utah, Nevada and New Mexico as Texas the new Lone Ranger. No offense Texans, but there is really nothing that geologically interesting in Texas. But I digress (big surprise). What I'm getting at is that I thought I was sophisticated, I thought I should be sophisticated by now. But I was talking about entertainment with a few theatre folk and I realized it has been a really long time since I've seen something I didn't like at all, or something that I would call a "bad movie." I enjoy too many things.Yes, according to my rants there is a large number of things I dislike, but when it comes to movies I am an upside-down funnel. I watch things multiple times that are entertaining and not edifying. I think it is entirely possible that I am easily amused, but equally possible that I have a gift, a gift for enjoyment. Yes, I am bragging. I am bragging to defend myself for loving a series of things that have brought judgement down on my head. Anyone who has known me a short amount of time will know that Kung Pow: Enter the Fist, Battlefield Earth, and Jonah Hex are some of my not-so-guilty pleasures and that I consider truly bad films like Troll Two a particular treat. I have no personal shame in voicing these sentiments just like I have no personal shame in drinking green smoothies in class or rehearsal, but in both cases there's usually some enlightened by-stander ready to say, "seriously? ewww." So I have decided to defend myself....at least about the movies, the green smoothies can hold their own.

First let me defend the movies I enjoy. Lets go back to the gift. My gift is that I can love a thing for what it is. It's like that "Einstein," quote floating around Pinterest about judging a fish for not climbing a tree. Not everyone is trying to be Speilberg. Unfortunately I have a harder time applying this gift to people than I do to movies, but I'm working on that. Anywho, let me now be a snob and say that you can only really judge entertainment by Goethe's three questions; "What were they trying to do? How well did they do it? and was it worth doing?" I think we can trust the father of modern theatrical direction on this one. You can only judge a movie or play by its intent. Luckily, film makers and studios broadcast their intent in trailers and posters. It isn't hard to tell, even just from the music used in a trailer what movie the studio was trying to make. I had a friend who didn't watch movie trailers because he didn't want his opinion set before he saw the movie. I understand that point of view and consider it valid, but I think it robbed him of something. He had an idea of what a good movie was and he couldn't enjoy a movie unless it lived up to that idea. He went to every movie expecting Citizen Kane and he was usually disappointed. The makers of Kung Pow were not trying to make Citizen Kane. They were trying to make a crazy, stupid mad-cap comedy that would mock a genre and amuse a few people. They did both, and did both well. The writing was ridiculous and far-fetched and yet clever and well-timed. Was it worth doing? I personally think so. Kung Pow was released in 2002. The economy was still in a slump and although America was normalizing in the wake of 9-11, the wounds were pretty fresh. A crying country needed a good laugh. I looked up the highest-grossing movies of 2002 and the top 100 are pretty well mixed. There are some darker films like The Pianist, 8 Mile and Red Dragon. But higher than any of those titles on the list was Austin Powers in Goldmember, which followed directly on the heels of beloved literary adaptations, superheros, and M. Knight Shamalan, who we still had faith in at the time. Kung Pow was not on the list but that's okay, because my point is that when it was made we were looking for entertainment and affirmations of life, and goofiness was a  great bandage. Kung Pow answers all of Goethe's questions as well as a more edifying picture would, and better that some movies considered infinitely better (the pretensions of August Rush come to mind, don't get me started on that). You could also say that Kung Pow is like the hot dog of movies: its not fancy, you know its not going to give you all the nutrients you need, but it satisfies a craving, and that has value.

I'm going to digress one more time to discuss the accusation of stupidity. I'm told quite often that things I like (The Simpsons, Troll 2, Buffy) are stupid. I hear this accusation a lot more about comedies than any other type of movie. I hear, "this isn't funny, its stupid." To that I say this: Duh. Of course comedies are stupid! Humans laugh at things that are stupid. We laugh at behavior we judge to be absurd not things that are serious. Nobody cracks up during the state of the union address, no one was busting a gut during Schindler's List, and who chuckles during Lincoln? If you laugh at things that aren't stupid you need help because you have a very serious God complex. I say this because we laugh when we feel superior to people or above concepts, and who do we feel more superior to than a stupid person? What concept do we reject and mock more than a stupid one? If you can laugh at something that is intelligent and meaningful, like an LDS General Conference talk about repentance, or peace talks in the middle east, you are at worst a sick jerk and at best a snooty, self-important jerk. I'll grant you there is a delicacy to joke writing and that jokes vary in quality. What we call smarter jokes are just subtler jokes, they lead their audience to the edge of the absurdity pool, and let them drink at their own discretion. We get to feel smart when we can pick out a joke carefully slipped into discourse, or one that requires specific knowledge we happen to have, and that is fine. But at the end of the day, we are laughing at something stupid. If you don't find loud, obvious, Chris Farley-style humor funny fine. If you refuse to laugh at Chris Farley because he is stupid, you are deluding yourself, there is another reason you don't laugh, and I encourage you to discover it.

So yeah, its like the random Dutchman in Candide says; the best stomachs don't reject all food. I don't by a five dollar pizza expecting escargot. Pizza doesn't want to be escargot, and why should it? Does that mean I don't appreciate escargot? Does that mean I eat only pizza? No. What it means is two thing: I use a lot of food metaphors and I am happier than I would be if I stuck by my movie snob guns because I enjoy a larger number of experiences this way. And let me clarify that even though I was offended by the geological misrepresentation in Lone Ranger I really enjoyed the movie overall, because I was not expecting Butch Cassidy. Now I gotta go watch Kung Pow....again.

Utah! People Working Together!

If you recognize the title of this post as song lyrics from an incredibly cheesy centennial program, you must have grown up in Utah! Yeah! I love Utah. I really do. I lover Mountains and deserts and dinosaur bones. I love her fall evenings and summer nights. I love that no one part of her looks like any other and that there are new mysteries in every corner. I love that there are temples in every third city. I love that people are honest and pay for their water even if they could get away with stealing it. I love that you can go 80 mph on the freeway! I especially love that. I love that Utah was the birth place of fry sauce, Jamba Juice and Costa Vida/Cafe Rio (though I prefer costa, don't kill me). I love it, really. There is one thing I hate about Utah: having to tell people I'm from Utah.

When I first came to college (in glamorous Cedar City Utah) I told my roommate I liked Utah and she said, "Have you ever been outside of Utah?" I thought, "Yes delusional fat lard, I have." And yes, I have. Several times. I've seen California, and it's nice, the whether is much better. I've seen Washington, and its much greener. I've been to Nevada, and.....well, I'm sure there's something pretty okay about Nevada....there has to be right? And yes, I've seen many other states, and I still like Utah. You know why? Because I DON'T JUDGE HER!!!!! There's this weird thing that happens. This thing where if you're a happy person and you like where you live and you like the people there, you'll like wherever you live and you'll like the people there. If you are unhappy and you don't like where you're at, you'll never like anywhere you go. Utah is the same. If you decide that Utah is a prudish little conservative place full of ignorant pygmies it is. If you decided its a nice open country filled with charming westerners, it is. Utah is filled with every kind of people, just like any place you've ever lived. But of course, we humans can't accept that. We need categories, we need our lives to fit into little boxes. So we need to believe that everybody from a certain place is a certain way, because then we don't have to deal with complexity, because complexity is a bitch.

I thought this post would be a perfect way to avoid doing my dishes and blow off some steam about the complaints I've heard lately. See, I follow a really funny thing on facebook called, "SUU Confessions." Its this page SUU students message and their confessions are posted anonymously. It's usually pretty funny but it can get kind of bitter. I've heard a lot of back and forth complaining about Utah Mormons on the confessions list lately. There are non-Mormon guys complaining about how girls won't talk to them when they find out they aren't going on missions. There are non-Mormons complaining about being judged. There are Utah Mormons who are sick of Non-Mormons in Utah complaining about the Mormons in Utah. Today there was a Nevada Mormon complaining about how Utah Mormons think their so picked on. He/She made the point that just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they are persecuting you. I think what that poster failed to understand is that Utah Mormons know they aren't being persecuted by disagreement or by the behavior of others, we're just a little tired of the fact that we will never ever ever win.

Growing up my Non-Mormon friends told me how uptight and judgmental Utah Mormons are, yet, they never really left Utah, those who did have come back. My Mormon friends didn't say much about non-Mormons, though we did criticize other Mormons who were involved in some un-Mormon-like activities. With my Mormon friends I was the edgy won who cursed. With my non-Mormon friends I was the prudish one who judged them. What my non-Mormon friends failed to comprehend was that I never judged them. I worried about them. To my view they were involved in some stuff that could be pretty dangerous. I didn't make any assumptions about their place in the after-life or their identity. I just worried that they might slip into something that would make them unhappy. What my Mormon friends failed to comprehend was that I was far more tame than I let them believe. I was so used to having to prove that I was a "cool Mormon" that I couldn't let that down around my church-going crowd.

When I moved away from home I had several Mormon friends who moved to Utah from out of state tell me differing things about Utah Mormons. Someone told me Utah Mormons were too uptight but California Mormons are much more chill. Someone told me they had never heard of Mormons who don't drink caffeine until they moved to Utah. More than one person told me that Utah Mormons take being in the majority for granted, and that we're too loose with our standards because we don't have to stand up for what we believe all the time. And you know what I think? I think it's all bullshit. How could anyone possibly assume that an entire sector of the population is one way or another? I know Utah Mormons who are mean and self-righteous, and I know Utah atheists who are mean and self-righteous. I know Utah Mormons who are good and kind, and I know Utah atheists who are good and kind. My brother served his mission in Scotland, where there are very few Mormons at all and he said it was the same there: some are nice, some are mean. Some are conservative, some are liberal. It doesn't matter where you go or what faith you belong to, people only behave a certain number of ways, and no matter what they believe about God, they will still only behave a certain number of ways. It is as misguided and arrogant for a Mormon from a different state to generalize about Utah Mormons as it would be for a Utah Mormon to generalize about non-Mormons.

If you ask me, I think Utah Mormons are persecuted. We take the heat from within and without. We get flack from each other when we act like dicks, we get flack from non-Mormons when we act too pure, we get flack from Non-Utah Mormons when we say we're sick of getting flack, and we take most of the hit for a good 70% of all polygamy jokes, even though the biggest gathering of polygamists is in Arizona and the FLDS actually chose Texas as the location for their temple. But hey don't worry about Utah Mormons. I mean, hell, if we can't give ourselves a break why should anybody else?

Finals, Youtube, and Chanelling Chekhov

So SUU is about to head into finals week, but, in my cleverness (luck actually), have finished all my assignments for the year, huzzah! This was a great relief until my dramaturgy (ha, Google doesn't know that word...and made me capitalize Google) handed me an old assignment, which he gave a B and encouraged me to revise it to get an A and the possibility of submitting it to a local theater for possible publication in their print materials. Let me be clear, I through this thing together in a night. I pulled three articles off of EBSCO, I read approximately three lines of each so I would have a few sources to sight and I made up the rest from what I remembered from the lectures from the history classes I've taken about Nazi Germany and nineteenth century Europe...and I got a B. My friend, who actually did research, and is an English major, so she writes far better than I do, got a C. This has been college for me! I don't know if I'm just rad enough that me half-assing is better than other people doing a good job, or if I have incredible luck so far and one day it will probably run out when the Wasatch fault finally cracks and I just happen to be in Bountiful taking a drive, or if I've put up such a convincing veneer of brilliance that people just assume that even if my writing is lousy I had a good reason for writing lousily, or if its that I seem like such a weird, goofy-pants, quirkster that any amount of coherence that come out of my brain is very impressive. I don't know, I may never know, and that's okay. But I digress, the point is, I'm pretty content to pull some crap out of my crevices and get a B on it. But the possibility of an A awakens my inner turmoil. You see my whole life there have been to forces at war within my heart: the one that wants to be truly excellent and the one that wants to curl up in a ball and watch Netflix. I asked my professor if we were required to revise our papers, and he said, "I would love you to." I said, "'Would love,' meaning it's optional or 'would love' meaning we'll get a worse grad if we don't?" He never did give a strait answer, but he went off about how he "would love" to have it published and be great and all that yada yada yada. And part of me wanted to run down to the first floor of the library and quickly revise it and throw it back at him and maybe get my A. And part of me said, "if you're not going to make me do it, I won't." Why would I? I'm done! I turned in my history capstone, and that was the end of it! I want to be done. I don't even care anymore if its good, in fact I know my citations were probably wrong, and I don't care, because the paper is in. I can either beg for extensions and go all perfection crazy, or I can go home and rest. So probably I won't revise the article...unless I get bored next week and decide to be an over achiever.

But rest sounds really great right now. I started getting a cold Saturday night and its not really getting better. So since I had no class and worked for only two hours I spent the whole day in bed, then I wen to work and went back to bed. This is the weirdest sickness I've ever had because I never got so sick I couldn't move like I do, but I didn't get just sick enough that I cough all the time, I'm tired all the time but I can't sleep when I try to. So yeah, its the most awkward sickness ever. It was kind of funny though when I was sitting in the ELC typing a paper on Chekhov. There I was, hacking up a lung while writing about a consumptive humorist turned playwright made me giggle. Then I felt like a nerd and when home.

So now I'm in my bed coughing up a lung and watching YouTube videos like nobody's business. And watching YouTube videos like nobodies business makes me all stir crazy and lonely. See, I love living by myself, but living by yourself gets lonely when you're sick. See, when you're sick you don't feel like you can go hang out with anybody because you're too tired for everything and because you're afraid of getting them sick. But when you have room mates they have to hang out with you because they live with you. So when you're sick and you live alone no one is forced to hang out with you. So you watch studio c on youtube til you fall asl................;.l;iadsm'

This Day in History

So I don't usually do this but I'm going to talk politics. I really hate doing that, I think politics are nasty messy things that make one late for supper. But I've seen some facebook activity that sort of made me want to express myself, but only in my safe space, not on Facebook where I could offend people I respect and care for. So I'm going to ask you to not share this post, especially not on Facebook. I'm asking this because instead of being bitter and sarcastic, I'm actually going to be honest and sensitive, but no matter how honest and sensitive you try to be someone on the internet wants to crucify you in your own house (see last post).
By now the five of you who read this meandering collection of banal ramblings have probably deduced that I am going to write about the supreme court's final decision about prop eight DOMA which we all await. I'm going to do that, but more than that I am going to come out to you. I am going to come out as a non-supporter of gay marriage. There I said it. I've only said that to one person outside my intimate Mormon friends. Ironically that person is a gay man. He was very nice about it and told me that he thinks everyone has the right to believe what they want. If only people on both sides of the debate were as understanding as my friend.
Probably part of the reason he reacted so well was because I explained my stance and my beliefs about the issue and why I don't actually campaign against gay marriage. And I'd like to explain those things right now.
In the most concise way possible, here is why I don't support gay marriage. I believe that homosexual behavior is a sin, it goes against the commandments of our Heavenly Parents and I personally don't feel that I could support a measure that would sanction it. You all know I'm a Mormon, and you'd think this would be easy to say in a mostly Mormon community, but I am also an actor, and in the dramatic community you get a lot of flack for not supporting a ruling that would allow several of your friends to marry their same sex partners. Heck, you get weird looks for believing in things like a divine plan for men to return to a state of happiness and live in the presence of God. But you also find respectful friends in places you never expected.
So let me clarify further. I don't buy most of the arguments against gay marriage. I'm not convinced it will open a door to other forms of unconventional marriage, which come to think of it is the only social argument I've heard. I don't believe much of the crap some proponents of gay marriage accuse non supporters of believing, for example, that God hates gays or that homosexuality is contagious, or that gay marriage endangers heterosexual marriage. I don't think I've really met a non support who does believe those things. There is ignorance involved in this debate, but it can be found on both sides of the issue. Neither side really seems to understand the arguments of the other. But that's another can of worms, let me stick to my beliefs here.
I don't oppose gay rights. I believe that no one should be discriminated against on such a personal basis. I believe that everyone should be able to live their life however they want (we Mormons call that agency). However, I do believe their should and will be consequences when the way one lives jeopardizes the personal safety or well-being of another person. That, I think, is where the government comes in, to protect the rights of all of its citizens. I don't believe that the government should be made into the conscience of the citizenry. If this issue is about protecting endangered rights, great, go for it, but if it is really about getting it in writing that something is "right," or "true," then I have to object. We all have the ability to tell right from wrong in us, we shouldn't need an entity to tell us that we're right. For example, Mormon marriages continue after death. The government has never acknowledged this, how could they? There are no groups of Mormons (as far as I am aware) that petition the government for a formal acknowledgement of eternal marriage, because we don't need a stamp to tell us it's real. Some countries do not recognize religious marriage as legally valid. Mormons in those countries who choose to marry first participate in a civil ceremony, then go to the temple to be eternally sealed. I haven't heard any reports of church members in those countries trying to pass laws to have their temple marriages legally recognized, because they recognize them as valid without the state's consent.
Now don't get me wrong, I know that heterosexual couples in those countries are not barred from being married civilly, and are not denied the rights given to married couples, things like being on each other's insurance, visiting each other in the hospital and so on. I'm not convinced its that beneficial to have those rights tied to marriage. I think anyone should be able to make any legal alliances they choose with or without having to marry. Marriage means something to me, something outside the scope of legally recognized units. For that reason I have to say that if it came to something like a national vote I wouldn't feel comfortable voting in favor of a measure that would represent marriage in a way that didn't reflect what I believe. If such a motion carried without my vote I wouldn't protest or despair, because I believe that things will shake how just how they need to in any case, and because I am not reactionary. I might add that I recognize the fact that everyone feels better when they believe they are being governed by an entity that supports their personal values.
Now I'm coming up on my only real political objection to the sanction of gay marriage. You guys know that Mormons believe in being sealed in eternal marriages that must be performed in the temple by the proper authority (conferred on men by God, not so much by the state). Only a man and woman who have been found worthy (not going to define that now, but it isn't as weighty as it sounds) may be eternally sealed in the temple. If gay marriage is sanctioned, will the church be censured for refusing to perform same sex marriages? Would clergyman from other faiths who refuse to perform same sex marriages be subject to citation? If so this is an infringement on the right to the free exercise of religion, and that I cannot support. However, I am fairly certain that that is unlikely. There may be lawsuits, but probably no strict legal action, and I am certain the church can handle whatever comes it's way just fine, as it has for the last hundred and eighty three years.
So yeah, I call myself a non-supporter because I don't actively support gay marriage, but out of respect for my friends, to whom it is very important, I do not actively campaign against it and I do not add any accusations to the cacophony of childish bickering coming from both sides of the debate. I believe what I believe, I don't judge you for believing what you believe, even if I disagree. Its not the opinions that tire me out, its the debate. I'm tired of the wild generalizations, the memes, the name-calling, the un-friending, and the over-sensitivity from everybody. So please, settle, allow us all to believe what we choose and if I make a joke, know that its only because I'm hoping that if people are laughing even for just a second, at least they're not arguing.

I Ain't No Nazi! (I'm a socialist...and a liar)

Hey everyone! How are the six of you doing? Good? Good. So I wasn't sure what to write my next post about, then I got a little message from heaven! And by heaven I mean the internet, the lazy man's heaven! It came in the form of the following comment on my last post: (Disclaimer: Font has been changed for dramatic effect.) 

"So anyway the misuse of words kills me because I think its linked to the second thing I say." 
Does using the wrong it's/its kill you too?
You can call people out but can you handle being called out? How long does this comment stay up?

I was going to be all mature and secure and let this comment pass unnoticed, but I thought, "Nah, I've already ranted about people who use words badly, people who get mad about things they can't control, and douches who don't want to buy jewelry, so why not rant some more?" Also it kind of got me feeling a little guilty...maybe I have been hypocritical, and maybe I should clarify my stance on the whole words issue. Also, it could be pretty dang funny. 

So in case you were wondering the same things as samorsam, my anonymous comment poster, the answer is no, the its/it's rule doesn't bother me because I can't remember how it works either. No I cannot handle being called out, hence this post. I don't know how long that comment will stay up, but I hope its (it's?) forever because this is one of the few comments I've received from someone I actually don't know. So hooray for attention! Anyway, I clicked on this poster's I.D. to see what his angle was and the poor fellow doesn't seem to have a blog. He does have a brief profile description which reads, "Calling out grammar nazi's on their grammatical errors." So from what I can deduce this person or these persons just troll the interwebs (and I hope it pisses him/her/them off that I say "interwebs") looking for bloggers who make grammatical errors. What a career eh? When I put it like that I feel a little bad caring enough about this comment to post about it, especially when a big chunk of my last post was about how no one can be more right about me than I am, but not bad enough to quit typing this. Also, now I'm a little worried that someone I actually care about might get the idea that I think I'm some kind of truth teller, or that I really am a "grammar nazi" as samorsam put it (jokes on him Nazi gets capitalized because it's a proper noun. You don't get to use lower-case letters for an organization's name even if that organization is evil). So for the sake of those of you ho's opinion matters to me, I would like to make the following clarifications. 1. I am not a truth teller. 2. I am not a grammar Nazi. 3. I am not angry.

I didn't start blogging to change the world, or stand up for something or voice an opinion. I started blogging so my family could see pictures and posts about my zany antics. Then I discovered that facebook was better for that and my blog became a place to publish my cartoons. Now I've started writing because I have a lot of musings to muse and I think maybe someone else might find them amusing. I have things to vent about and facebook is to public and they only give you so many characters. When I get my panties in a bunch over something that pisses me off, I don't actually think I'm going to change anyone's behavior by writing about it, I just want to get it off my chest. That's sort of the point of blogs. Most people who started blogging just found it therapeutic and it led to other opportunities, or didn't... s'all guten bruder. I'm not planning to offend anyone or make them think or any of that crap. And I don't really think I'm important enough to do any of that stuff if I tried. If someone does find a skittle of truth in my delusional rainbow of nuttiness, cool, if they are pissed that I have a certain opinion, well there's nothing I can really do about that. No I don't expect this to change samorsam's mind, but it is giving me a chance to think through what my real intend was with that last post. Because I am aware of my non-mesagey non-truth-teller status I don't guard my editing or my facts and I begrudge no one their right to make idots of themselves on the internet as I do. So yes, there are typos, and that story about Galileo definitely ignores all the political complexities of his trial, it's mostly stuff I gleaned from Brecht's play about Galileo, but it makes my point about logic. Oh well. 

I must maintain that I am not a grammar Nazi. I'm a word-choice Nazi. Actually I'm not any kind of Nazi, if I was I would be a zombie Nazi! The most formidable kind of Nazi! But I digress. I didn't rant about confusion of case or tense (tens? tence?), or sentence structure. My real concern is the way words are used. The misuse of words I was complaining about isn't mechanical at all, it's communication error. I definitely didn't explain that very well last time. The reason "logic" and "literally" bug me is that when they are used badly they represent a confusion of ideas that can muddle real communication. The word literally makes a distinction between something temporal and something abstract. I don't like that so many of us are okay with blurring that line. I don't like that we put so much importance on logic when it is actually very fickle. Words mean things and they influence the way we perceive our world. When we get casual about the meanings of the words we use we get casual about the way we approach the world. When we carefully guard the integrity of our language we can convey stronger meaning with fewer words. There's a great chapter of the Book of Mormon where the prophet Jacob is addressing the people of his country for what he knows to be the last time. When he closes his address he says, "Brethren Adieu." The Book of Mormon was translated from an ancient Semitic dialect, they didn't use the word "Adieu." I asked my Dad why it was translated that way, and I really hope the answer he gave me is accurate because it was beautiful. He said that the direct translation of, "adieu" is "with God." When you say "adieu" you are leaving your loved ones with a wish that God be with them while you're apart. We don't have a word in English that expresses that as well as "adieu." A friend also pointed out to me -- and I hope this is correct too because it's great -- that French speakers use "au revoir" as the conversational parting expression, and "adieu" when they expect to be parted permanently. See all the dimensions that one word has? If you use it wrong, or badly you risk losing all that. I don't give a crap if apostrophes come in the right places or not until it starts to muddle communication and adversely effect the way we approach our world. Also, let me add, I didn't "call people out" per say. I didn't scout out a bad use of the word "logic" and point it out to the user, I just heard it in passing a couple of times and ranted about it in my rant space. I believe there is a difference.

I just through the point about not being angry in for fun, but it is accurate. I don't seriously begrudge anyone their feelings or their errors, until they take it out on me at work. If I do get mad about this stuff its because it worries me. I wonder if society is headed in a bad direction because so many of the people I meet (most of them middle aged and up) are baffled by concepts like following rules and regulations, random chance, and the inability of complaints to change every situation. Listening to people adopt lines of thinking that are unhelpful and even ridiculous genuinely makes me feel bad for these people and reminds me to try and deal with the things that come my way in the manner most helpful to me. In the moment listening to these people is annoying, and that is why I rant about it, but at the heart of my frustration is a deep concern. Maybe you don't share that concern. Cool. Maybe you do. Cool. I definitely don't feel enough concern to do more that whine and make jokes about it. 

Anyway, I really owe samorsam a thank you for inspiring this post, which I think is one of my most organized posts so far. I wish the poor net weasel luck on his noble quest to make bloggers aware of their grammar hypocrisy. Though I have to say, he kinda missed the mark on this one because clearly, my qualms are with the diction of others, not their grammar. Also the poor sod should probably loosen up, otherwise he's starin' down the barrel of becoming what he hates. It would appear that in trying to break the spirit of grammar Nazis he has become the ultimate Nazi in a ridiculous  recyclops-like twist of fate...just sayin'. 

Axes to Grind

Believe me, when I decided to start blogging I planned to mostly write funny stories and witty quips, and special events and what not. I never intended the tone of the blog to be as vitriolic as the last post....or this one. Maybe vitriolic is a strong word. Yeah, I'll say....whiny, yes, whiny. I am going to whine, but I will do it splendidly! After all, I am the Wonder Llama.

I called this post axes to grind, because I have two axes to grind. I'd like to say I'm not a negative person, but...I get annoyed super easy, so I won't say that. The latest things that annoy me are misuses of words and misconceptions about the world (I'm not objective on this, don't worry about it). So anyway the misuse of words kills me because I think its linked to the second thing I say. If you use the wrong word its either because you really don't know what that word means, or you have some kind of bad ideas about stuff. Like the word "literally." We all hate the misuse of that one. No, you did not literally die, you are still here, you are talking, you are alive. What's even worse is when people say literally superfluously. If you drove over here, I don't need to know that you "literally" drove over here, because I didn't believe you could do that metaphorically or figuratively. Ugh! But this post isn't about the word "literally," it is about the word, "logic." I hear a lot of people talk about how certain things aren't "logical" or that there has to be a "logical" explanation, when they actually mean, "sensible" or "scientific" or "believable." We put so much importance on something being "logical." I think this is because we were all forced to learn algebra and geometry as children. According to the OED (OED!!!!!!) logic is: "Reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principles of validity; a particular system or codification of the principles of proof and inference." Logic is a codification, a system, a method of devising proof, not proof itself. Even if something is crazy it can still fit into "a particular system or codification of principles of proof and inference." That's what both sucks and is awesome about logic. Something can be totally stupid and untrue and still logical. As far as I'm concerned logic's a fool. Take this example: in the 1600's the Catholic Church declared Galileo and Copernicus' idea that the earth revolves around the sun, heresy. The church's claim was that man, as God's greatest creation, must be placed at the center of the known universe. By that logic, if Galileo is right, God doesn't love us as much as the sun. It's perfectly logical if one assumes that God structured the universe with his favorite creations at the center. But the assumption cannot be proven, even by logic. As far as I'm concerned logic is a fool. The fact that we've made it a really important and misused word in our language is annoying.

The other thing I wanted to rant about is this misconception about life that most things are someone else's fault. Most of the people who actually read this blog have heard most of my stories about this misconception. Because my annoyance with it stems from my years of working in customer service. I can't count the number of times I've seen someone get upset because a show was sold out or their kid didn't get a pell grant. Some of my favorite phrases I've heard, and yes, these are direct quotes.

When the premier section of the Randall was sold out, "We couldn't believe you would hold a block of seats for anyone more important than us."

When I explained that a student's family made too much money for the kid to qualify for a grant, "So we're being punished for doing better?" (Can't tell you how badly I wanted to say yes to that one).

Numerous times, "You mean I'm calling TWO MONTHS in advance and you're still sold out?!"

So many times when I've had to tell someone that they'll need to submit extra paper work or that they didn't apply for a scholarship on time, that they get upset and start blaming me, or my office, or the government. To me it demonstrates an unhealthy dependency on institutions for conscience and unwillingness to accept personal responsibility. Everyone says, "this is a rip-off," or "no one told me," or "so you're saying..." when I'm not saying anything, I'm just relaying the truth.

I remember watching a thing on PBS right after Hurricane Katrina. It was documentary type show examining why the damage was so devastating. The tag line for the report was, "Who's fault was it?" I thought, "Oh, I don't know...maybe...THE FRENCH!!!! They're the damn fools who built a city between a river a big-ass lake and the ocean. But guess what, the Frenchmen who built N'Ahlands are dead! And no one can prevent a hurricane, so why waste time with blame, just fix the levies, or don't, whatever.

There are some things in life that are no one's fault, some that are your own damn fault, and some that are Rutherford B. Hayes' fault. The trick is knowing when to tell the difference, and how and when to respond. Quite often this means forgiving. I got this "sometimes-its-no-one's-fault" bee in my bonnet because I was surfing the internet and I came across a blog of a former LDS guy who wrote with resentment about the pressure he felt from his family and fellow church members how it led him to believe all sorts of things about himself. He said he felt that the church causes that pressure. Not only was it apparent that he had very little understanding of how much of that pressure comes from the church and how much comes from church members, but he really didn't own up to the fact that what really determined his behavior was the fact that he bought into the pressure. He chose to believe that other people were more right about him than he was, and that that wasn't his choice. I went through a similar thing. I used to think there was pressure on me to either get married or go on a mission. When you're single and your friends and siblings are married, people like setting you up. When people find out you're 21, Mormon and not married, they ask if you're going on a mission. When you say "no" they back-peddle, its good fun. I felt kind of bad that I wasn't anywhere close to getting married and I had no desire to go on a mission. I would rant about all the reasons I shouldn't go on a mission and how glad I was that I wasn't married. Then, over time I noticed that I was the only one who was talking about it. People weren't asking me about the mission because I should want to go, they were asking because they see it as an option and a good one. People weren't asking me about dating because its what I should be doing, they were asking  because that's what they did, that's where they were at my age and it was a good thing for them, so they think it would be a good thing for me. And guess what, that's okay. I really overestimated how much what other people say to me means about me, and how much anyone would really judge me if I didn't do what they did.

Own your crap! How you react to an outside force has way more to do with you than it. The government is not your mom, it is not here to punish and reward, it is here to maintain order when possible and provide a few services. Businesses that provide services are trying to make money, they are not trying to cater to you personally, they are not trying to hurt or inconvenience you personally, and they cannot control all the factors that surround them (if it rains on an outdoor show, or someone sneaks in a four-year-old and claims they're six). The people around you can't possibly know you better than you do. Most don't care enough about you to judge you and those that do care about you usually want to help you, and mostly they don't know how, can you really blame them for that? No one can control your behavior any more than you can control anyone else's behavior.

So what's the moral of this here incoherent ramble? This: most things are no one's "fault" and yelling at me is neither going to get your paperwork done sooner or remove the necessity of said paperwork. So shut up and go get your forms done.

Oh What A Piece of Work Are Dudes

So yes,  this is a dude-hated post. But hopefully it will be a. Charming and funny over-generalization, ans not a bitter reticent one. I'm going to just tell a story, cause that's what I do best,  then I'll leave the conclusions up to all four of my readers.

So the other day I get a facebook invite to this party hosted by someone I don't really know, but I see that all my friends are going and there's free waffles so I figure I'll check it out.

So I go and it's actually pretty fun. Some of my friends are there, there are indeed waffles,  and the girls throwing the party are Milford fans, so that's a plus. I'm telling this because I want you to know that the things I learned about guys that night didn't ruin my evening. In case you were worried.

So anyway, we're all having a good time and I'm meeting some new people and kicking butt at ping pong and I hear this guy behind me say, "if a girl wants Tiffany's you dump that shit." Which started a conversation about buying cheap jewelry for women. I thought, "don't worry about it. You keep talkin' about ladies that way you won't have anyone to buy jewelry for."

What's disturbing about this isn't that these guys weren't willing to spend money on a girl. Nor was it the use of the phrase,  "dump that shit." After all,  if we're being totally fair its entirely possible I misheard and he actually said, "jump that ship." I doubt it,  but there ya go. No, what I found most disturbing is that these were all LDS guys. I see most of these guys regularly, always at church related events. Now I'm not saying that you have to be perfect to go to church, being a little screwed up and laser is why we need church. Its just a little disheartening to see that none of its rubbing off. Even more disturbing was that they were outnumbered by LDS women, none of whom called them out or walked away. Shamefully, I didn't bother to call them out. In my defence, the ping pong was getting intense.

I don't like being this person, but I kind of have to. What happened to all these men? Why aren't there nice guys that go to parties? Why are women putting up with this jazz?

Someone once told me that I'd have an easier time dating outside Utah because the guys here think they can afford to be picky. Is that true? These duchebags think they can take their pick? Why is that? Is it because ladies keep letting them off the hook? Probably....ugh.

Homework Paradox

I have this problem called I hate homework. That's dumb to say because no one really gets excited about it,  but I have complicated issues with it.

First off,  whenever I feel like there's something I have to do it automatically becomes the last thong I want to do, especially if it sounds like it will be really hard or boring or scary. The more a project scares me the less power I have to do it. I get all worried that I'm going to do it wrong or that I'll waste my time doing it the wrong way and then I get so anxious I just ent want to think about it anymore and I put it off for a while. When I was younger I would also serve my self a shame pie (to borrow a phrase from Jill Wilkes,  holla suu) and chastise myself for procrastinating, bit anymore I just figure it'll get done and be fine. But then I get laid back and stop putting any pressure on myself to do things ad nothing gets done.

Occasionally I get all motivated and try to get a bunch of stuff done at once or early and then I start making headway,  but I realize that I can work for hours and more work will come, so I don't see a point in hitting it all so hard.

Part of me knows that if I would just work steady and get a little done every night I wouldn't feel rushed and I wouldn't bury myself in a heap,  but that part is not as strong as the part that would rather turn on hulu and clean my house, or blog,  or do anything that sounds more rewarding than writing something I don't care about for a class I don't want to take.

There is no resolution to this post,  I hair wanted to rant.

Back in the Swing...and Internet Surprise!

So, there's this thing where I'd really like to get back into blogging. Partly because I'm thinking I should probably practice writing regularly so I don't get out of the habit, also I'm looking for a new project to help me avoid homework. I should also probably start publishing my comic again.....anyway, blogging is nice because while my comics take up hours at a time (which I feel guilty spending on anything that isn't homework) blogging takes up as much or as little time as I want. So yeah, its gonna happen. Also I like that with a blog I have an audience but its really not that big. That way I have some pressure to keep writing, but not enough to make me wary about what I write.

One thing that does make me wary is that I don't actually know who my audience is. I mean, I'm pretty sure the only people who ever check this blog are my mom and sisters, and I can't even hold their attention. But every now and then I get a little surprised by the scope of the internet. See, I discovered after I created my YouTube channel that you can check your stats on all your videos and blog posts. So I can see how many people have viewed my videos and blog posts, where those people are from, whether they are mostly male or female and what traffic source led them to my work. My videos cap out at about 60 or 70 views each, and my blogs don't get too many views either. That's not surprising. What is surprising is where those views are coming from and how people come to view my content. Its kind of fun when its telling in a good way. Like when I sent a link to my audition video to Colonial Williamsburg and Plimoth Plantation and two days later I had views from Virginia and Massachusetts. Its fun to see that other actors find my audition video when they search for Shakespeare Monologues on YouTube or Google. Its also really funny when Francis Scott Key is viewed in the UK, because then I imagine either my brother's Scottish friends checkin' out my work or that cool guy from "The Gears Keep Turning" laughing at my accent. But now and then I get a little disturbed. Like when I noticed that the most recent views of Francis Scott Key were coming from UAE, Yemen, and a few other middle eastern countries. I got a little worried that a bunch of Mid-Easterners were getting their first exposure to American culture via FSK...a disturbing prospect. Can you imagine growing up in a highly traditional patriarchal society and learning about America from a cartoon about the writer of the national anthem as a crime-fighter written by an actress? Yikes!

Worse than knowing where the views are coming from is knowing how your stuff was found. When I see that it was a search for the word "monologue" or "Francis Scott Key" on YouTube, or that my videos were found via one of my blogs I feel okay about life. See I have this blog and one of my others set up so only people who know the URL can find it. But my acting blog can be searched, just in case any directors want to look me up. So today I was checking my stats on that blog and found out that my two traffic sources for the last two or three views were sites used for finding porn on the internet. That one was puzzling. I have never posted tasteless photos, I have never written anything raunchy,  and I'm pretty sure there's nothing arousing about poorly drawn cartoons of Francis Scott Key meeting Alexander Hamilton's ghost....at least I hope their isn't. So yeah, pretty weird. I hope some dude got really pissed and disappointed  when my cartoon popped up on his screen. So there's my audience, my mom, sisters, a few well- meaning foreigners, and the odd perv. So probably I'll still have to be careful how much I write, but I'll probably write more personal stories than just the main things that have happened lately. So enjoy,  and try not to get too excited.

New Apartment!

I have a new apartment! I moved recently to a studio by myself on the north side of town. I know what you're thinking, "But don't you get lonely." Answer: no. No I do not, I am a misanthrope from the cradle and I rather enjoy not having anyone touch my stuff or big me about doing dishes. I also love walking around naked and playing whatever music I want. But hey, if you ever want to hang out, I have my own place.