Things Everyone Else Can Do To Make My Life Easier

I kind of resent this thing about internet and social media culture where people talk about what needs to change and what everyone else needs to do and I was real mad about it then I decided that I should really get in on this since there is a lot of stuff that I want people to stop doing partly because I'm principled and partly because it would just make my life easier.

Stop Doing Drugs and Drinking

I don't know many people with substance abuse issues, but the few I know who experiment are really unhappy and super annoying to be around because they are so unhappy and want to argue about legalizing weed all the time. This issue also affects my job. I work in medical records. If a facility needs records that might contain records of treatment for substance abuse the patient has to sign a release that explicitly states it's okay to release that info. I have to deny tons of requests because a provider didn't get that signature or the release doesn't state the drug stuff. It's a huge pain in the butt.

Stop Looking at Porn

If it weren't for porn everyone's relationships would be way better. I'd say 90% of the women I know have had intimate relationships that were impacted by the use of porn. It's always a negative impact because real sex will never be as good as a porn fantasy. It also turns into one of the most addictive addictions there is and it's nigh impossible to detox from completely. Also it makes dating an awful mine field, I sit there trying to guage your suitors' involvement in the sex trade and to what extent it will lead them to abuse or ignore me. Also it leads to other weird behaviors that I then read about in records while trying to make sure there is no mention of drugs. So everyone stop it.

Stop Trying to Spell My Name

"Is that D-O-R-I?" Are the words I've hated hearing since I was old enough to spell my name, which I did often because I couldn't say my "R"s. I don't know why it is so hard for people to guess that my name is spelled with a "y" when Cory is often spelled the same way but with a "c." Worse than people misspelling my name is people asking me how to spell it when it clearly doesn't matter. On the phone with strangers I hear, "did you say Rory? Oh Dory, how do you spell that?" If you are calling me for work reasons I don't give a crap how you spell my name as long as you just tell me what you bloody well want so I can get on with my business. Oh and PS; just because it's a weird name doesn't mean it's spelled with as many superfluous letters as possible.

Make Shirts That Are Shirts!

I am so sick of the see-through fad!!!! Why should I pay the full price of a shirt for something that is either see-through, sleeveless, midriff-length, or in some other way not a full shirt? Not only is it a huge fanny ache to spend the same amount of money on less fabric and labor, I then have to spend more money on other shirts to make the original wearable. While I'm on this rant why did we stop selling shorts long enough to cover butt-cheeks and one-piece swim suits? I don't want to walk around with my pasty skin exposed all the time, and I don't want to have to pay $100 to cover myself with something that doesn't have thrift store smell.

Stop Taking Buzzfeed Quizzes and Posting Their Dumb GIF Lists

I'm a technology addict, by posting chains of nothing that pretend to be something you are enabling my addictive behaviors, shame on you. You know I can't resist finding out what type of Mexican food I am or which Marx brother I should have a baby with. Also think about how disappointed I get when I realize that all 17 of the 22.5 reasons mom's shouldn't be on Facebook are the same reason! You are setting a bad example for me!

Quit Pinning Grotesque Open Infected Wounds and Knarley Injuries

Who does this? Make up artists that's who. Yes it is important research for them, but why should I have to look at it? Get a freaking secret board like you have for your wedding and porn stuff (also get rid of your porn stuff). While I'm at it I might add quit pinning lame quotes and naked pictures posing as work outs. In fact let's all just pim recipes and T-shirt ideas.

Stop Correcting People About Bon Iver

I refuse to say it right because I think it's lame when people correct me, so I can't let them win. Who cares how you say it as long as you acknowledge the beauty of their haunting melodies. Just like Gotye (which I thought was a tongue-in cheek way to spell "gotcha" for the longest time) no matter how you say their name they are a paltry one-hit wonder.

Quit Telling Me What to Do on the Internet

I should not have to wade through this many political articles and social justice blogs to get to my beloved Buzzfeed trash. Buzzfeed may be turning me totally apathetic and banal but at least it doesn't criticize my life choices and try to convince me that every ill of society is the fault of the government or some bad system society had constructed, and can therfore be fixed by a government program or proof that everyone is wrong. Why should I believe in slash take the advice of the internet stranger who clearly would rather rant on about their inconveniences than actually live the way they want others to live?

Modesty is Always in Style

I'm going to talk about how I feel about modesty and what I think about it. All five people who read this know I'm LDS. So to me modesty means wearing clothes that cover my body. I wear shirts with sleaves and skirts to my knees and I have leggings and tank tops on hand for layering when necessary. Right now I want to address this thing where LDS women don't want to renounce modesty, but they want to renounce the way it's framed. If you are a Mormon with internet access you've seen the blog posts about how women shouldn't be taught that they need to dress modestly for the sake of men. You see someone once pointed out that men have a hard time not getting distracted by skin - any amount of skin that can be seen on a woman. In the same breath it was pointed out that if a woman dresses modestly that distraction is removed. This is used as an encouragement for women to dress modestly. The idea is sort of like, "let's make it easy on the guys, they have a hard enough time controlling their thoughts as is." I believe that. Almost all of my guy friends have told me, "you don't get it, you don't think like a guy." I think that's true. I think women, for whatever reason are less likely to be aroused by the visual than the emotional, so we probably don't view the human body with as much intense awareness. My brother once told me, "when a girl and guy hug the girl thinks, ' awww a hug' the guy thinks, 'her boobs are on me.'" So yeah, if you dress modestly men are less likely to think about what your boobs are doing and more about what you're saying. So here's where we get derailed: it's easy to internalize that message and take it to mean, "it's my responsibility to make sure no guys are turned on by me." And if you believe that message and then you encounter some creepery it is easy to feel blamed for the actions of said creeper. Most victims of some type of sexual harassment and abuse feel partially to blame. I had a friend in collage who was on a date with a guy who grabbed her breasts at the end of the night. She told me about it a week or so later and asked if there was something about her that made guys behave that way. I asked if she invited that behavior. She said no (I knew she didn't). She told me this kind of thing happened to her a lot. She didn't dress immodestly, she didn't invite those behaviors, but she had a hard time believing that she was not to blame. I noticed over time that she didn't invite lewd behaviors but she didn't have all the tools she needed to discourage them either. I've noticed this with lots of my female friends who are afraid to turn down dates, issuee clear rebuffs, and report unwelcome behaviors to proper authorities because they are afraid of being mean or hurting feelings or being confrontational. Sometimes they are afraid they might get hurt if they hurt someone else. The thing that's hard to grasp here is the subtle difference between setting healthy boundaries and being mean. It's as subtle as the difference between inviting others to respect your body and trying to shoulder the responsibility of another person's actions.

So here's what I believe, here's how it all relates. I believe that the way you dress sends a message. I believe that dressing modestly sends the message that you respect and value your body, that it is your own and sacred to you. It is pretty difficult for someone to disrespect or objectify you and your body when you send a message that such treatment will not be tolerated. Dressing immodestly sends a converse message. That said, do I believe that sexual harassment, abuse, or assault are the fault of victims? No I don't. Do I believe that women who dress immodestly deserve sexual harassment and objectification? No, no one deserves that. Of course no one is to blame for someone else's actions. Of course men need to learn to control their thoughts and treat everyone like people, and choose styles of dress that let women know they also appreciate the sacred nature of the body. I'm just saying I believe that setting healthy boundaries and having confidence in yourself and respect and empathy for all people is empowering, protective, and restorative. I believe modesty in dress is a nonverbal way of setting a healthy boundary. It doesn't stand alone, it has to be backed up with actions and words. We need to have the courage to say, "your behavior is unwelcome and makes me uncomfortable, stop." I believe that making clear statements of this kind will repel unwanted behaviors and attract respect.

While writing this post I flipped through the strength of youth pamphlet and read the section about dress and appearance. The only reference I could find to modesty and other people was the phrase, "Your dress and grooming influences the way you and others act." And the only instruction about the behavior of others is, "Make a personal commitment to be sexually pure. By your words and actions encourage others to do the same." Fantastic word, encourage. It doesn't say "don't let others make choices," it doesn't say, "you are responsible for others' actions," it says "encourage." Give courage. Give others courage to do the same.

I don't believe in blaming all the false messages about women and modesty and sexual behavior on society or the media or the church. As far as media we're all involved in a collision scheme. Media that objectifies women would not be made if it wasn't successful, it wouldn't be successful if it wasn't made. It's similar to the energy crisis that way (I'm gonna let that one sit). As far as the church is concerned I think there is a lot of miscommunication. The church has no paid clergy, we're all volunteers doing our best, we don't always get the right messages across. Also, as I pointed out earlier, subtleties are hard to convey. You can't garuntee that what you say is what will be heard. I think we should forgive people their failures. That doesn't mean we don't acknowledge those failures and try to avoid them in our own lives, it doesn't mean we justify what they did it just means we let it go and try to understand how we would want to be treated or thought of if we made similar mistakes. Also I believe the only way to end the collusion cycle is to remove ourselves from it. There is a lot focused on what is wrong with the world, and what needs to stop and be torn down. Tearing down is incomplete without a way to build something else up, and struggling against something gives it a validity it doesn't have when ignored. I also know from experience that dwelling on past hurts and repeating what's wrong and reinforcing my own victim status does not solve anything. When I tell myself how much I've been wronged and how unfair it was and how much someone else needs to change what they are doing, I am less happy and less likely to heal because I see myself as a victim at the mercy of my circumstances, but when I tell myself that I am not a victim, that what happened to me will not keep me from living a happy life and that I have it in me to invite positive change and show people how to treat me by how I treat them and how I set boundaries I feel unstoppable. I don't want to be part of a culture with a victim identity, I want to be part of a culture with a healing identity. I want to set healthy boundaries verbally and nonverbally, forgive my wrongers and encourage - as in give courage to - others to do the same. I don't feel blamed by the idea that dressing modestly will direct a man's attention to my soul and not just my body. I see empowerment in it. If the way people dress influences their actions then we can effect a lot of change by dressing in a way consistent with our integrity and our view of our body.